the things that were simple got complicated, my answers became questions and those i never questioned have become seemingly unsolvable puzzles to me.
my biggest problem.. the one that continually resufaces and never seems to get solved.. is my dad - or lack there of. he died when i was three and i cant help but feel that ive been dealt a really unfairly shit hand. i did nothing to deserve the pain i feel by not having him in my life. its little things like being able to call someone dad. bet those of you with one never really knew how lucky you were to be able to say that!
my mum remarried and the guys nice.. thats it.. hes nice! i say about two words to him a day, call him by his first name and theyve been married for 8 years! my bus driver feels like more of a dad to me then my step dad does. i never knew why until i was talking to my friends mum about him and it dawned on me.. i have this picture in my head of what my father would have been like. and my step dad is NOTHING like it! i resent him for that i guess.. i mean, hes in my life whether i like it or not.. and call me a bitch but i hate the fact that when i get married, he will have to walk me down the isle. when i have kids, they will call him grandpa or whatever. and hes not the person i want those priveledges to belong to. they did and always should belong to my dad.
and my friends.. god where do i start. okay so i moved away from where i grew up in year six. i see my best friend from there once a year if im lucky. when i got to my new school, the girl i decided would become my new best friend moved away. then i got really close with this gorgeous other girl, and when we hit high school she had a total brain transplant and all of a sudden who your connections were and how many guys you knew became more important than how your best friend felt about you (she got over that though and now were good). i befriended a new girl who i was best friends with for a year before that all fell apart. apparently shes into self harm. and the girl i currently am best friends with wouldnt change deb nights to be with me when i couldnt get on the night with her because she already had booked in to have her hair done. she also sees me a grand total of once a month outside of school because shes too busy doing stuff with other friends.
im the black sheep in my family. i dont get along with my step dad or siblings and i get way too annoyed at any of them to hang around with them so i disclude myself. i hate the slutty parties alot if my friends go to because im not into hooking up with heaps of boys and then seeing if i kissed more than my friends did. when i kiss a boy, i dont want it to be for any reason, i want it to be for every reason. it may be old fashioned but sleeping around has never sat well with me and as im boyfriendless i dont make a habit of doing it. and my mum, most of the time we get along fine, but i feel like shes always waiting for me to screw up. and i think that she holds back alot of trust in me because of this. but i love her.. shes my whole world and i would be lost completely without her in my life.
so with all of this going on you can see why im telling you. it would crush the people i love if i ever told any of them this. so our little secret yeah?
