tough times dont last, tough people do

i have always always always thought i was one of them. the survivors. one of the people that didnt let life get them down. always saw past the moment to the better beyond. lately, not so much.
im in year 12 and talk about pressure. they talk to us like this is it, do or die,make it or break it. and it scares the hell out of me that the decisions im making now are going to affect me for the rest of my life. im not ready for that. im not ready to have a say in how my entire life is going to turn out. there are people who tell you not to worry, you can always change your path if you dont like the one your on. but what a waste that is. if your gonna do something, do it and do it right, the first time.
tough times dont last, tough people do. it was tattooed on an nba player. all sweaty and defined, doing what he loved and doing it well. doing what he had probably worked his whole life to do. what hes been waiting his whole life to do.
i dont have that. that thing im holding out for, just waiting, hoping and working my butt off for. im taking each day as it comes, rolling with the punches and waiting for something to find me.
ive always been anxious for the end of school, excited for what comes after, so sure it would be something better. but that sureness and excitement has been missing for a while now. instead i have fear; of whats to come, of what isnt and of everything else before and after that.
maybe that fears a good thing, it lets me know its worth it. maybe. but most likely its reinforcing what ive been thinking alot about lately. that im not ready. that this is all too early. that i might not just come out the other side smiling as ive always done. that this time for the first time i have absolutely know idea what is coming or where im even going..