you come into the world alone and you go out of the world alone, yet it seems to me you are more alone while living than while coming and going

i have never felt so alone while being surrounded by so many people. im finding it so hard to keep smiling but i know i have to. there is bigger stuff than me going on and if i stop then everyone will know that ive been lying, putting on a brave face so that i would take on what i couldnt. so that they could put trust in me that i couldnt handle. rely on me when i cant even rely on myself. im tired. but i know im not at the end yet. im not even close.

and the worst part of it all is that while they keep leaning on me, i keep having no one offering to let me lean on them.

the worst pain a person can suffer is to have insight into much and power over nothing

so with all ive been thorough in my life i only thought it would get easier. that my crapiness had peaked and it was time for the other shoe to drop.. time for some good old fashioned happiness. but apparently its not. it just keeps getting worse.

my best friend has been acting weird for months now. ive tried talking to her heaps of times and she denies theres anything wrong everytime. the other day she told me she had been to the doctors and had been diagnosed with mild depression but that it was okay because they wouldnt put her on medication yet. YET!

two days later my friends mum came by to tell me her daughter and another of my bestfriends had gotten in a car with a p-plater three times over the legal blood alcohol limit and he had crashed. theyre okay she told me, just shaken up. at least theyre alive she says. all i can think is that i almost had two less friends to talk to.

the next day at school my other bestfriend wasnt there. i found out it was because she had broken up with her boyfriend. i called her and she said it was because she had kissed another guy at a party two days ago. i asked her if that was all that happenned. this was the second time she had cheated after all, but she swore to me it was. the next day i found out from a friend of mine who is mates with her ex that she had also played around that guy. and im like well thanks for the trust. im still waiting for an apology from her for lying to me. im not holding my breathe.

and me? im feeling like shit for no reason in particular other than while im worrying about everyone, whose worryin about me? 

i feel so powerless to this life which is so much bigger than im prepared for yet. everything is happenning around me and i cant do anything to effect it. i cant bring my friend out of her depression because she thinks its under control and so wont talk to me about it. i cant make my friends feel any better about one of the stupidest things they will ever have done in their lives and i cant heal the damage theyve done to themselves psychologically. and i cant be sympathetic to my friend who has lost her boyfriend for good because she is the only one who could fix it and she doesnt tell me the truth anyway.

all i can do is know these things.

all i can do is be weighed down by these things.

all i can do is carry the knowledge of these things with me until somebody cares enough about me to ask me how im doing. and then i can tell them. 

then i can tell them that im not doing okay. that im not doing okay by a long shot.

i understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?

so my life.. it used to be simple but as ive grown so have my problems.

the things that were simple got complicated, my answers became questions and those i never questioned have become seemingly unsolvable puzzles to me.

my biggest problem.. the one that continually resufaces and never seems to get solved.. is my dad - or lack there of. he died when i was three and i cant help but feel that ive been dealt a really unfairly shit hand. i did nothing to deserve the pain i feel by not having him in my life. its little things like being able to call someone dad. bet those of you with one never really knew how lucky you were to be able to say that!

my mum remarried and the guys nice.. thats it.. hes nice! i say about two words to him a day, call him by his first name and theyve been married for 8 years! my bus driver feels like more of a dad to me then my step dad does. i never knew why until i was talking to my friends mum about him and it dawned on me.. i have this picture in my head of what my father would have been like. and my step dad is NOTHING like it! i resent him for that i guess.. i mean, hes in my life whether i like it or not.. and call me a bitch but i hate the fact that when i get married, he will have to walk me down the isle. when i have kids, they will call him grandpa or whatever. and hes not the person i want those priveledges to belong to. they did and always should belong to my dad. 

and my friends.. god where do i start. okay so i moved away from where i grew up in year six. i see my best friend from there once a year if im lucky. when  i got to my new school, the girl i decided would become my new best friend moved away. then i got really close with this gorgeous other girl, and when we hit high school she had a total brain transplant and all of a sudden who your connections were and how many guys you knew became more important than how your best friend felt about you (she got over that though and now were good). i befriended a new girl who i was best friends with for a year before that all fell apart. apparently shes into self harm. and the girl i currently am best friends with wouldnt change deb nights to be with me when i couldnt get on the night with her because she already had booked in to have her hair done. she also sees me a grand total of once a month outside of school because shes too busy doing stuff with other friends.

im the black sheep in my family. i dont get along with my step dad or siblings and i get way too annoyed at any of them to hang around with them so i disclude myself. i hate the slutty parties alot if my friends go to because im not into hooking up with heaps of boys and then seeing if i kissed more than my friends did. when i kiss a boy, i dont want it to be for any reason, i want it to be for every reason. it may be old fashioned but sleeping around has never sat well with me and as im boyfriendless i dont make a habit of doing it. and my mum, most of the time we get along fine, but i feel like shes always waiting for me to screw up. and i think that she holds back alot of trust in me because of this. but i love her.. shes my whole world and i would be lost completely without her in my life.

so with all of this going on you can see why im telling you. it would crush the people i love if i ever told any of them this. so our little secret yeah?

don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things

blogging.. something i never though i would do.. you know ive seen it on movies and heard of other people doing it but i never understood why you would want to share such personal and intimate details with a whole bunch of people you dont know and who sure as hell dont know you.

but lately ive been drifting from those im closest to.. starting to feel like i had no one else to talk to and i dont want to keep how im feeling to be a private thing.. i need to get it out there.. so im blogging!

and you know what im getting my story out there, and even if no one ever reads this im not bottling it up. im scared of how people might react but im trying it anyway.. and who knows, i might even get advice on this stuff im feeling thats helpful.. its not the usual me and rather than freaking out friends with all these bad and scary emotions ill tell people who wont be worried about hurting my feelings. i can tell it straight up.. and right now.. straight up is what i need.