so with all ive been thorough in my life i only thought it would get easier. that my crapiness had peaked and it was time for the other shoe to drop.. time for some good old fashioned happiness. but apparently its not. it just keeps getting worse.my best friend has been acting weird for months now. ive tried talking to her heaps of times and she denies theres anything wrong everytime. the other day she told me she had been to the doctors and had been diagnosed with mild depression but that it was okay because they wouldnt put her on medication yet. YET!
two days later my friends mum came by to tell me her daughter and another of my bestfriends had gotten in a car with a p-plater three times over the legal blood alcohol limit and he had crashed. theyre okay she told me, just shaken up. at least theyre alive she says. all i can think is that i almost had two less friends to talk to.
the next day at school my other bestfriend wasnt there. i found out it was because she had broken up with her boyfriend. i called her and she said it was because she had kissed another guy at a party two days ago. i asked her if that was all that happenned. this was the second time she had cheated after all, but she swore to me it was. the next day i found out from a friend of mine who is mates with her ex that she had also played around that guy. and im like well thanks for the trust. im still waiting for an apology from her for lying to me. im not holding my breathe.
and me? im feeling like shit for no reason in particular other than while im worrying about everyone, whose worryin about me?
i feel so powerless to this life which is so much bigger than im prepared for yet. everything is happenning around me and i cant do anything to effect it. i cant bring my friend out of her depression because she thinks its under control and so wont talk to me about it. i cant make my friends feel any better about one of the stupidest things they will ever have done in their lives and i cant heal the damage theyve done to themselves psychologically. and i cant be sympathetic to my friend who has lost her boyfriend for good because she is the only one who could fix it and she doesnt tell me the truth anyway.
all i can do is know these things.
all i can do is be weighed down by these things.
all i can do is carry the knowledge of these things with me until somebody cares enough about me to ask me how im doing. and then i can tell them.
then i can tell them that im not doing okay. that im not doing okay by a long shot.
