tough times dont last, tough people do

i have always always always thought i was one of them. the survivors. one of the people that didnt let life get them down. always saw past the moment to the better beyond. lately, not so much.
im in year 12 and talk about pressure. they talk to us like this is it, do or die,make it or break it. and it scares the hell out of me that the decisions im making now are going to affect me for the rest of my life. im not ready for that. im not ready to have a say in how my entire life is going to turn out. there are people who tell you not to worry, you can always change your path if you dont like the one your on. but what a waste that is. if your gonna do something, do it and do it right, the first time.
tough times dont last, tough people do. it was tattooed on an nba player. all sweaty and defined, doing what he loved and doing it well. doing what he had probably worked his whole life to do. what hes been waiting his whole life to do.
i dont have that. that thing im holding out for, just waiting, hoping and working my butt off for. im taking each day as it comes, rolling with the punches and waiting for something to find me.
ive always been anxious for the end of school, excited for what comes after, so sure it would be something better. but that sureness and excitement has been missing for a while now. instead i have fear; of whats to come, of what isnt and of everything else before and after that.
maybe that fears a good thing, it lets me know its worth it. maybe. but most likely its reinforcing what ive been thinking alot about lately. that im not ready. that this is all too early. that i might not just come out the other side smiling as ive always done. that this time for the first time i have absolutely know idea what is coming or where im even going..

the lies that hurt the most are the ones told in silence

lies. i hate them. and at the moment, i hate her for lying to me. somebody should tell her that a lie of omission is still a lie. but yeah the lies hurt, but not as much as the realisation that its ME she is lying to. me. the person in the world who is supposed to be her best friend. what is that?

and yet her other friends, they ALL know! what the hell am i supposed to make of that? "yeah o love you, i just dont trust you enough with my secrets.."

were growing apart, and i cant see how thats on me. i dont hold out on her. the important things to me, she knows all of them. something happens to me, i want to tell her. something happens to her, she tells me when its convenient for her; when she can find time. and i am so so so unbelievably tired of it. one of my friends asked me if i even still want to be friends with her. and yeah of course i do, but this isnt a friendship. the worst part - i dont think she even realises! and i know im not blowing this out of preportion because it has hurt and angered me so much that im turning back to this stupid blog. STUPID!

god why do i even care. its not like i dont have other friends. but i think the hurt is stemming from the fact that i want to know why she isnt trusting me. ive confronted her once about this and she said she just didnt want everyone knowing. what not even me, your best friend?

god im just tired and angry and so so hurt - hurt that she could do this, and hurt that she doesnt seem to realise or care.

"we tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. but every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger, and the people we love fall further away." tad williams
"it is not difficult to deceive the first time, for the deceived possesses no antibodies; unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks lateness, accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest patching to repair great tears in everyday life." john updike

i think they kind of seem relevant....

you come into the world alone and you go out of the world alone, yet it seems to me you are more alone while living than while coming and going

i have never felt so alone while being surrounded by so many people. im finding it so hard to keep smiling but i know i have to. there is bigger stuff than me going on and if i stop then everyone will know that ive been lying, putting on a brave face so that i would take on what i couldnt. so that they could put trust in me that i couldnt handle. rely on me when i cant even rely on myself. im tired. but i know im not at the end yet. im not even close.

and the worst part of it all is that while they keep leaning on me, i keep having no one offering to let me lean on them.

the worst pain a person can suffer is to have insight into much and power over nothing

so with all ive been thorough in my life i only thought it would get easier. that my crapiness had peaked and it was time for the other shoe to drop.. time for some good old fashioned happiness. but apparently its not. it just keeps getting worse.

my best friend has been acting weird for months now. ive tried talking to her heaps of times and she denies theres anything wrong everytime. the other day she told me she had been to the doctors and had been diagnosed with mild depression but that it was okay because they wouldnt put her on medication yet. YET!

two days later my friends mum came by to tell me her daughter and another of my bestfriends had gotten in a car with a p-plater three times over the legal blood alcohol limit and he had crashed. theyre okay she told me, just shaken up. at least theyre alive she says. all i can think is that i almost had two less friends to talk to.

the next day at school my other bestfriend wasnt there. i found out it was because she had broken up with her boyfriend. i called her and she said it was because she had kissed another guy at a party two days ago. i asked her if that was all that happenned. this was the second time she had cheated after all, but she swore to me it was. the next day i found out from a friend of mine who is mates with her ex that she had also played around that guy. and im like well thanks for the trust. im still waiting for an apology from her for lying to me. im not holding my breathe.

and me? im feeling like shit for no reason in particular other than while im worrying about everyone, whose worryin about me? 

i feel so powerless to this life which is so much bigger than im prepared for yet. everything is happenning around me and i cant do anything to effect it. i cant bring my friend out of her depression because she thinks its under control and so wont talk to me about it. i cant make my friends feel any better about one of the stupidest things they will ever have done in their lives and i cant heal the damage theyve done to themselves psychologically. and i cant be sympathetic to my friend who has lost her boyfriend for good because she is the only one who could fix it and she doesnt tell me the truth anyway.

all i can do is know these things.

all i can do is be weighed down by these things.

all i can do is carry the knowledge of these things with me until somebody cares enough about me to ask me how im doing. and then i can tell them. 

then i can tell them that im not doing okay. that im not doing okay by a long shot.